nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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