my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
