i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
