i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
