Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
farters have to be the big spoon...
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
