She is in my trunk
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
