i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
