Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
