I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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