My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
