I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
