if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize