Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
