I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
