Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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