I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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