Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
