You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
