Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
