I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize