I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
