How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
