Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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