I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Randomize
