She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
