hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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