Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
