I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Randomize
