i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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