she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
