saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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