I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
