this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
