I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
