Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
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How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
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I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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