new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
