none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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