The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
