We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
