The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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