We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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