I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
