I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
