he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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