This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
