dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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