need another drink. this is the easiest way
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
