Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
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Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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