god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
A bitchslap is in order.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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