I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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