i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just had sex bonerless
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
