I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
