i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
