a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
