I heard we made out
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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