I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
