I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize